Christmas Projects!

Musings of a Writer..

The other day someone told me that they loved reading my blog but that I was very angst sometimes. Honestly I just took it as a compliment because I didn’t know what that word meant. So I looked it up. It is a word for fear or anxiety; used to describe an intense feeling of apprehension, anxiety or inner turmoil.

Maybe that wasn’t the right term to be used. But then I started thinking.

Are writers prone to angst? Or are angst-ridden people prone to writing?

I wonder, if all those years when I was a little kid, scribbling in my pink and purple lock-and-key diaries, filling up pages of notebook paper, it was because, even then, I was driven by the need to vent?

Even at that young age, I thought about Stuff. I worried. I pondered Life.

It seems some brains never shut down.

(I can relate.)

My mind is never quiet.

And it is usually when I am in A Place...some weird place I can get in...either surrounded by plans or dreams or worries or fears or all of these, that I feel the urgency to write most. Even when I don't write (as has been the case on this blog lately), I am constantly composing in my head. The sentences are formed, the words swirl around, all in an attempt to make sense of it all: whatever is in there, currently, in my head.

Perhaps it is like a defense mechanism: the words are my safety net that catch the thoughts that threaten to drown me. They give me the very false feeling that I am in control. Of something. Of anything. At the very least (or the very most?) of myself.

And so I wonder: is it the writer in me that over thinks everything? Or is it the thinker in me that has to write? Hmm…

My Pause Button...

I like to blog. I really do. I have to admit that when I was a stay at home mom I spent a considerable amount of time pouring into my posts. It is harder now that I am back at work. Every day when I get home all I want to do is play with my babies! I wish I could just be home with them. I felt like a new mother then... just sleeping late, blogging about their activities and being the one who nurtured them constantly. One thing that makes it so hard not being with them all day is that when I finally get home to them it is time to cook and clean and start planning and preparing for the next day... that is if Im not working in the evening or overnight. As a result I feel like my attention is too aften drawn away for my two little loves. Madileigh watches a lot of movies and Mickey Mouse on some days and Easton is playing more and doing more on his own every day! It makes me not even want to cook just so I can completely soak them up. I highly dislike feeling like a failure on the domestic front when they don't get enough of my time!

Then, I stumbled on the idea that life just needs a pause button.

So I am developing my own ‘pause button’ from the real world for my kids and family. I will have many pauses... probably daily... and these are some instances where my ‘pause button’ will be pushed if I happen to be blogging or preoccupied with something else...

When Madileigh says to me...

“Mommy, Wanna play in Madi room??"

“Mommy, I wanna read book!!”

“Mommy, can I hold you?” (Her way of asking to be picked up!)

When she is sitting in the kitchen with me watching pictures on the computer and says "I wanna go to BiBi house!" or "That MY Nina, Mom!" or "Mom, I see Turnal! (Colonel, Simon's dog at Mom's)"

When I notice that she has been playing alone for a while.

When my daughter asks to watch Toys or Rio or anything on the TV.

When she is being a rascal to her brother.

When she calls out to me “Come on Mom!”

When there’s a great opportunity for family bonding.

When she is singing to her brother!

When Easton starts getting fidgety and Madileigh asks to hold him!

I will pause to give them the much needed attention during these times because I am reminded that these moments will not last. The times when they want me. The times when I am needed as a playmate, a storyteller, a peacekeeper, a confidante, a listener. The times when I can truly be a MOTHER in every sense of the word. For I know these times will pass too soon.

And I want NO REGRETS.

I don’t want to stop blogging either because it has given me an avenue to express my thoughts and feelings. It has allowed me to interact and learn from others I meet online who share the same experiences as a mother. It has given me the much needed me-time.

And my ‘pause button’ will help me to achieve some BALANCE.